Solving the world’s serious problems

Dawn and I do some of our most creative work over lunch. We solve big problems. For instance, a month or so ago we figured out how to solve the child/icebreaker problem. Often, when (being force to) interact with a new person, small talk occurs. People often go for the “do you have children” ice breaker question. I don’t begrudge them for it (at least not more than I begrudge having to talk to them in the first place). After all, the odds are pretty good that I have children…it’s just that I don’t. I always end up saying no…and the conversation turns into a what’s wrong with me conversation instead of a child story swapping conversation.

We decided that this can be avoided if we invent children and banal child stories to swap. How hard can it be? Just make up names and say stuff like “My child ate/looked at/pooped/said (choose one) _______.“ Easy. I’ve already invented child names. I have a pretend boy named Alistair and a pretend girl name Sabine. Dawn and I have been inventing stories for them. Be sure to ask us about Sabine and “reverse taxidermy.”

I digress.

Anyway, today at lunch we solved another big problem. I’ve written about the problem that birthday and thank you cards present. If you throw them away immediately you’re callous. If you keep them you’re collecting clutter. For me the benefit of the card is realized immediately upon opening it (hey someone thought about me!) and then five seconds later it ceases to have a purpose in my life.

Consider this. This morning I saw this website claiming that they can laser etch little squares of beef jerky to make beef business cards…or as they call them meatcards. This is interesting…but I don’t really think it’s well thought out. The whole point of giving someone a business card is so that they will keep your contact information. Encouraging them to eat your contact information is counterproductive. The only useful thing about the technology that I can think of is if you put out one of those fishbowls for people to drop business cards into in hopes of winning a free lunch…and if people start dropping meatcards in your fishbowl….then YOU in fact win the free lunch!

Now consider the meat and laser technology as a solution for the birthday card problem. Beef jerky birthday cards! It’s perfect. You open your card, appreciate the message, and then have a snack. You don’t feel guilty for throwing it away because you won’t be throwing it away. No more cards in landfills. The earth thanks you, your stomach thanks you, and you in turn will be ever more thankful of the person who sent you the card in the first place… EVERYONE WINS.

Oddly enough I mentioned to Dawn that I wanted to get a laser etcher about a week ago for totally unrelated reasons. When she ask for what…I stared at her blankly and could only feebly answer “…you know…stuff…” In truth I have no idea why I want one… I just want to burn things with lasers in a pattern of my choosing. It’s not more complicated or well thought out than that. With the advent of meatcards I think I have a slightly better chance of getting Dawn on board with the laser etcher plan… err… agenda.