Liberty City Misanthrope

On the whole I'm enjoying Grand Theft Auto IV (GTA IV). [For those of you not in the know - GTA IV is the latest offering in a line of splendidly violent video games chocked full of profanity. It's a beautiful thing]. Actually I'm not being factitious about that - the game is beautiful.

I do have a few quibbles about the game though. First a little back story about the main character – relax, no spoilers. Supposedly the main character is from a nondescript eastern European country where he ran into trouble. Part of his problems seem to stem from the fact that while in the military he mindlessly followed orders and did some horrible things.

Jump forward to when the game takes place and the main character lands in Liberty City (the game analogue to New York City). He immediately starts to follow orders to do horrible things at the bequest of others. I’m already starting to sense that he may be a slow learner. However, this quibble probably has more to do with the general format of the GTA games than anything else. I am magnanimous enough to forgive it.

Second quibble – friends are annoying. In the game your character has a cell phone which is how he receives missions, communicates with other characters, etc. It’s actually a pretty clever game mechanic. Unfortunately I hate it. I don’t like it when my real cell phone rings while I’m trying to accomplish something around the house. Frequently I swear at it when it rings - then I answer it - and have a pleasant conversation. I find I have the same compulsions with the virtual cell phone in the game. I’m in the middle of doing something my character finds interesting (bludgeoning innocent bystanders with a baseball bat) and my cell phone has the audacity to ring. No thank you.

What’s worse is most of the time it’s just other characters that you’ve met in the game calling you and asking to hang out. If you don’t drop what you’re doing (vehicular homicide via garbage truck joyride) and go and play darts with them they later send you whiney text message complaining that you never spend time with them. This drives me insane.

First off, if I’m playing a single player video game it’s probably because I don’t want to be interacting with other people. I don’t appreciate the game hoisting clingy friends onto me during my me time.

Secondly, my character met all the other whiney in-game “friends” by doing wonton acts of homicidal violence on their behalf – often killing multiple innocent bystanders in the course of carrying out their business. Why in the hell would they even want to be in the same room as me? You’d think they’d be happier knowing that I was on the other side of the city far far away from them. Wherever I go people tend to die. I’m like the Angela Lansbury of Liberty City…

Actually that’s a pretty great idea, an Angela Lansbury themed Grand Theft Auto game. Perhaps the video game makers could finally get all the violent video game naysayers to quiet down and start playing. It’d be a great way to extend their reach into an older game playing demographic. Port it over to the Wii and retirement homes aren’t going to know what hit’em! (Note to self – also look into securing the rights for Matlock and Quincy themed sequels.)*

* Yes, I know I mixed fictional characters and the actors that play fictional characters in the paragraphs above. I’m comfortable with this minor sin. I didn’t think saying “I’m like the Jessica Fletcher of Liberty City” was as funny.

The un-unravel-able mystery of ravel.

As fate would have it the analysis of ravel, unravel, and un-unravel fell once again upon my doorstep. It appears that I did a slipshod job of dealing with it the first time and it has come home to roost. I now dare to delve into the subject a second time.

I think there is probably consensus on what unravel means…but let’s start there. According to Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) it means:

1. to separate or disentangle the threads of (a woven or knitted fabric, a rope, etc.).
2. to free from complication or difficulty; make plain or clear; solve: to unravel a situation; to unravel a mystery.

Fair enough. However if you look further down the page you’ll notice that The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition from Dictionary.com defines it as

1. a. To undo or ravel the knitted fabric of.
   b. To separate (entangled threads).

To undo or ravel? To separate or entangle? That's kind of weird… Instinctively one would think to unravel would be the opposite of to ravel. Perhaps we need to take a closer look at the definition of ravel.

Let’s see what our good friend Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) thinks:

1. to disentangle or unravel the threads or fibers of (a woven or knitted fabric, rope, etc.).
2. to tangle or entangle.

Ack! That seems to indicate that its definition is contradictory! Perhaps Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) is just a little confused. Let’s see what The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition from Dictionary.com thinks:

1. To become separated into its component threads; unravel or fray.
2. To become tangled or confused.

Ack! They agree that it makes no sense? Ravel is a contradiction? Ravel can mean to ravel or unravel? That makes my head hurt. It definitely doesn’t help shed light on un-unravel. Which definition of unravel would we be un-ing?

The only take away I can find from the quagmire is that you’re always safe if you use ravel - whether you mean to ravel or unravel. Plus ravel is just fun to say. Give it a try. Ravel.

Mission to Memphis

Our mission to Memphis was a success. Prior to this trip I must say I knew relatively little about Memphis Tennessee. I knew it had ribs, a lot of Elvis Presley nuts, and some civil rights history. Now that I have journeyed deep into the heart of the city and learned its secrets I have a better appreciation for it. I now understand that their tourism campaign is a sham, a wrong-headed attempt to attract visitors with the promise of good music and culture. They are at best some of the lesser merits of the city and I doubt few will fall for its siren call. The city’s true nature, which it revealed to me, and about which their tourism campaign should be molded is: Memphis – Beer and Eggs Benedict Capitol of the South.

I trust that you’ll recognize the awesome power of the new Memphis slogan. Even now, upon reading the words for the first time, you’ll feel yourself drawn to the epicenter of finely crafted beers and eggs benedict. No matter what the country of origin and/or style you prefer your beer or what restful bed you prefer for your poached eggs (crab, asparagus, steak, etc)… Memphis has you covered. Come, visit, and be engorged.

Apart from Memphis’ obvious charms (listed above) let me run down some of the other fun things we did while we were in town. Charles Vergo’s Rendezvous ribs, check. Beale Street during the day, check. Beale Street at night, check. Gibson Guitar factory, check. Wine and Quiche Bar, check (there is a good reason Southern Living profiled their cheesecakes). Video games, check.

Add in wine and cheese and a few home cooked meals and I think you’ll understand how Memphis left us stuffed, satiated, and content.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Am I the only one who finds thank you cards unsettling? I found a few while cleaning my desk yesterday and eventually decided that I don’t like receiving thank you cards. They make me feel bad.

The problem stems from not know what is the socially acceptable treatment of a thank you card is. Opening the card, reading it, smiling, and promptly throwing it in the trash seems callous. On the other hand saving the card until the end of time seems silly too. Is there some sort of holding period in which you’re supposed to save the card before discarding it? I have two problems with that. One, if it’s going to be thrown away eventually why not throw it away immediately to be sure it gets done (because I’ll feel like a callous jerk). Two, I have a naturally tendency to be a packrat which I must constantly guard against. If I give myself an inch I’ll most likely take a yard. Dawn has actually helped me break a lot of my more egregious packrat habits…but I still have useless pieces of paper from when I was 7 years old tucked away somewhere (my biographers will thank me later).

While deliberating the fate of the thank you cards in my desk yesterday I was struck with a funny thought. Maybe I want to keep them because I see them as a records. If ever I am put on trial for being a horrible person and my life is audited at least I’ll have the means to mount a feasible defense in order to cast a shadow of a doubt.

Barrister: I submit to you that you are a horrible person and you have been nothing but a blight on humanity.

Bill: Not true - and I have the receipts to prove it.

It’s probably not fair to single out thank you cards. Birthday cards, Christmas cards: is there any sort of card that doesn’t produce anxiety? I think the handmade cards are the worst…they’re like little piece of art. Surely they are not meant be thrown out. But if you make exceptions for them shouldn’t you make exceptions for the rest? Wouldn’t you implicitly be saying that the thanks of people not willing to make their own cards do not merit remembrance? It’s seems like a quagmire that can easily be avoided with the use of email. No one expects their email to be saved and cherished.

A Grievous Sin

How can the people who Dawn works with hate lunch so much? It’s strange and unnatural to despise lunch. Yet, given half a chance they will gladly schedule meetings up to, through, and after lunch to prevent people from attending that most blessed mid-day sacrament.

I’d try to figure out this great mystery but I’m currently blinded and dumbfounded by starvation.

Netflix Revisited

Just yesterday I was singing the praises of the new Netflix on demand streaming content (I think they prefer to call it instant content). The system is designed to stream the video to a computer. Since Dawn and I have a media PC connected to our TV this is no big deal. We watch the streaming content on the same screen we watch regular TV, DVDs, DVR, video games, etc. But what about luddites without media PC’s you ask? Is it really all that convenient for them? Err... Probably not.

First off, let me implore such luddites to go out a buy a media PC. It’s a readymade excuse to go out a buy a new computer and really….what more can you ask for? You’re welcome.

Failing that (i.e. consider yourself a failure) there are still options to experience Netflix on demand goodness on your TV….you just have to be willing to buy another box to connect to your TV. This morning I saw reviews for Roku’s Netflix set top box. Basically it’s a small box that you attach to your TV and the internet that will go out and get the streaming content from Netflix’s site and display it on your TV. The reviews have been pretty positive because it’s dead-easy to setup /operate and is relatively cheap ($99).

For my money I think a media PC is still the way to go. You don’t need a super powerful computer to act as a media PC and you get DVR functionality and a place to store all your digital photos and music in addition to Netflix on demand goodness. Plus if you’re leaving a computer on all the time you might as well start dabbling in home automation….

Monday Revelations

I tried to write a blog about how great on demand programming over the internet is. It came off way to preachy so I deleted it. Let me hit the high points minus all the pontification (I’m talking paragraphs of anti-cable company vitriol). Dawn and I have started using the NetFlix video on demand feature. It comes free if you already have a NetFlix account. No, they don’t have very much of their selection available yet. The quality if pretty great considering what it is and this sort of technology ought to have the cable companies quaking in their boots. People are deciding what they want to watch, when they want to watch it, without needing a cable company in the loop (unless you get your internet via cable companies). At the very least it reduces cable companies to simple ISPs. Oh – and there are no ads involved (yet). Imagine paying a subscription for something and just getting tasty tasty content minus ads. Seems too good to be true (I’m looking at you cable).

Moving onto other random items that deserve our attention. After much head scratching this weekend I consulted a dictionary to see if ravel was actually a word. The subject came up while Dawn and I were discussing something that was un-unravel-able. We were wondering if the two un’s would cancel themselves out…which begged the question is ravel actually a word on its own or not. I could not remember ever hearing someone ravel something up. Turns out it is a word and it means exactly what you’d think it means, which is to say not the same thing as un-unravel-able.

Also corn dogs, or corn dog bites to be exact, make awesome garnishes for glasses of Guinness. Cut a small slice in your corn dog bite and sit it on the rim of the glass. Grok it and teach your kinfolk – it’s what the masses demand but they don’t know it yet.