Beat a horse to death, reanimated it, beat it down again.

Another column update? Yes, yes it is. I don’t have a lot of other material to work with right now. Do you want to learn about structural induction of sequences? (I suggest that you shake your head and back away). Alright then, column updates it is.

When I pulled into the driveway last night I waved to our neighbors on the right. They have also recently put their house on the market. Dawn and I must be horrible neighbors because now both of our neighbors are trying to move away. Their departure is a predicament that I am less than thrilled about. We liked both our neighbors and considered ourselves lucky to have two good neighbors. Now we have to roll the dice and see what moves in next.

Anyway, our neighbor was talking to another guy I didn’t recognized. As I was pulling up the driveway I noticed that this other guy disengaged from conversation with our neighbor and started to walk towards our house. As I pulled into the garage I noticed he was following my car…..and he was walking into my garage. Being a paranoid person, I instinctively looked for the something to club him with. In my mind strange people following me into my house equals trouble. I noticed a nice heave tool just outside my car door. I could pop the door open, grab it, and bludgeon the interloper if he didn’t have a really good reason for following me.

Fortunately (for him) he quickly introduced himself as our roof/column contractor. It turns out that our neighbors were discussing getting a new roof with him and he stopped by to talk about our columns. To his credit he seemed very embarrassed while standing in front of our mismatched columns. He said he had no idea how a carpenter could leave the job site thinking that this would be acceptable and apologized repeatedly. I guess since we are a source of referrals we’ve been bumped up on the important jobs to finish list.

So now our columns are supposed to be finished within a week. I’m opting not to hold my breath because I’ve heard that before. They were actually supposed to start today, weather permitting. It’s been raining all morning, so I think it’s safe to say that the weather is not permitting. Perhaps this three month debacle will actually come to an amenable conclusion.

What we have here is a failure of communication

Days have turned into weeks, weeks have turned into months, and still our front columns have not been completed. Not to our satisfaction. Actually, since the last time I’ve written about them, the columns have not even been touched. They are in the exact same state of cattywampus mismatch. Evidence that a carpenter, who is more monkey than man, has worked on our house. Occasionally we’ll call the contractor and ask about them. We are assured that the contractor is also unhappy with the state of things and he is diligently working to set things right. The skeptics in us raise an eyebrow.

Yesterday was a watershed day in column correction history. Dawn had multiple phone conversations with the contractor. I think they help illustrate the how endlessly baffling columns can truly be.

[I was not privy to the actual conversations…so I’ve taken some creative liberties with how they might have transpired. The gists of the misunderstandings are accurate.]

Contractor: I’ve finished pricing out the new columns. I’m ready to replace the one we did before with round columns….

Dawn: Why round columns? We wanted square columns. The fact that they are square-ish in shape is not the problem. It’s the fact that they are both not the same shape that is the problem. It’s the fact that only one of them is actually square.

Contractor: Uh… ok. I’ll have to price out some other stuff then. I’ll give you a call back later.

[time elapses]

Contractor: Alright, I got it figured out this time. I’ll tear out the existing columns and replace them with a square aluminum columns….

Dawn: Why are you going bother doing that? The fact that the current columns are built out of wood is not a problem. It’s the fact that they don’t match!

Contractor: …

Dawn: I have an idea. Why don’t you just re-box the current non-square column so that it is square? Then our two columns will match. You won’t have to replace both columns that way.

Contractor: …. ok?

The process is infuriating. We also had a neighbor asked about our new roof yesterday. They are preparing to sell their house and think they need to replace their roof first. They noticed that we just had our roof replaced. We told them that the roof work was done very well….but don’t hire the guy to do any carpentry. He can’t figure out how to build a box the same way twice.

They Might Be Giants still rock

Dawn and I got to see They Might Be Giants on Sunday night. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen TMBG in concert now…but it always a good show.

The opening act was a two man band from Northern Ireland called Oppenheimer. One guy was the drummer and lead singer. The other guy did everything else, which is to say, played guitar, triggered sequenced tracks and messed around with two keyboards/synthesizers, and occasional vocals. He was a very busy guy. The music sounded a little like Freezepop to me. My favorite part of the show was when they worked an air horn into one of the songs. As the drummed pulled the air horn the guitarist flipped his guitar over so we could read a sheet of paper taped to the back of his guitar that read “Air Horn Solo.” Overall, it was fun and energetic opening act….but not more fun and energetic than the last opening ac t we saw at a TMBG concert: Corn-mo. Corn-mo sets the opening act bar for fun and energy almost unattainably high.

The Giants themselves were in good form. At first they looked like they weren’t into the show that much. Flansburgh said that this was their sixth consecutive concert in as many days and they were in a daze. But after a couple of songs the band seemed to get really engaged and start having fun. They have a new drummer since the last time I saw them and he seemed really happy to be there. He smiled the whole way through the show.

I was pleased with their set list. It was a pretty eclectic sampling from their body of work. They played "Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal," which I don’t think I’ve heard them play live before. They played a smattering of stuff off Apollo 18 (I Palindrome I!!!) and Flood, as well as some newer songs off of The Spine and The Else. They even played some of the children songs off of Here Come the ABCs and Here Come the 123s…but with decidedly non-child safe intro’s.

No want.

Dawn and I often check icanhascheezburger.com while getting a cup of coffee in the morning. This morning’s offering was a big hit.

So this is a pretty complex image. My question is: who does the text belong to?

The obvious answer is the cat, after all there is a devil-baby torturing it. I expect that is what the image's creator intended. However, I’m not content to let things go at that.

Some of you know my version of heaven does not include dogs and cats (heaven is a clean and orderly place.) So the devil-baby might be concluding that it’s in hell since a cat is present. Of course since the devil-baby is in fact a devil-baby that should come as no surprise. Also, I’m pretty sure there are no babies in heaven. What would be the point of being perpetually a baby? No intellectual development possible, constant crying. That sounds like the opposite of heaven.

To my mind, the text belongs to the viewer of the image. The text is an echo of the viewer’s inner-monologue. Cats, check. Baby, check. Yup, this is hell. I expect that there is probably a dog running somewhere in the blurry background.

Oh well, I think I’ve run this into the ground enough. Obviously I didn’t have a clever blog topic to post about so I pounced on a funny image and tried to construct a blog about it. But the schtik is getting old and weak. Best move on. But don’t worry loyal reader; I’m sure I can find it in myself to make fun of pets and babies again in the future. You can count on that.

Project Runway Conclusion

While I might have been a bit ambivalent about the start of Project Runway this season, I have to say I’m very satisfied with its conclusion. I’ll go so far as to say that I’m even more satisfied with this season’s finale than previous Project Runway seasons. I think I can trace my design-driven reality TV contentment back to two root causes.

Root cause number one: I actually liked all three collections. That is to say, I think all three were good collections, personal athletics aside. I’m not sure how much of this is a factor of having multiple New York Fashion Week runway viewings under my belt and how much of this is simply the designers did a good job. The first time I saw a Fashion Week collection (which would have been during Project Runway season 1) I thought it was utterly ridiculous. I was judging clothes based on the same merits I might use if I were trying to buying them in the mall. I think I now take the rarified atmosphere of Fashion Week into account and allow it to help shape my impression. I suppose Tim Gunn might say I now use a different “lens.”

While I wasn’t crazy about the designers starting out I think they all stepped up their game and delivered some interesting clothes for the finale. That’s the key; they did a good, competent job. Too often reality TV is about people acting stupid and contrived confrontation. It’s refreshing to see talented people create something of value in a professional manner.

Root Cause number two: they finally choose the winner correctly. I think Project Runway actually stands to have a lot to gain from their choice this time. I’ve had a problem with some of their previous season winner choices. If the point of the show is to help launch a designers career, why do they keep skipping over the obviously talented young designer who needs help launching a career and award the already establish designer? Especially when one of the main prizes was a mentorship (which I realize wasn’t the case this time around). Time and again the winner threw the mentorship back in their faces and basically just walked away with the free media exposure.

I see this season’s winner as actually being grateful to the show for helping their career and will probably promote the show and process as much as possible….and not in the cheap contractual obligation kind of way.

Finally project runway thought: In a juxtaposition of my reality TV watching habits, did you know that America’s Next Top Model girls walked in the Project Runway show? Three of them. Jaslene walked for Jillian Lewis (but thankfully she did not have to annunciate a single syllable). Bianca and Dani both walked for Chris March (he got to show as one of the Project Runway final three decoys.)

Is there an ichthyolocial haberdasher in the house?

I owe a big hat tip to the presurfer blog. That’s where I saw a link to the art work of Brian Despain. Brian Despain makes art that I like. I don’t think I ask for much from an artist, lovingly rendered robots, ichthyological surrealism, and an occasional cephalopod thrown into spice things up. Brian Despain delivers in spades.

I’m having a hard time picking a favorite piece. I’m partial to The Stranger….but I think it’s because I have a predilection towards tophats.


Due to some strange synchronicity of the universe he has painting featuring a robot and octopus enthralled by a red spot. I too am currently enthralled by red spots. I wonder if I’m the robot or the octopus? There’s a windmill in the background that I choose to interpret as a giant. I think I understand the obstacles that these two will face. I can connect with them on a deep emotional level….


If I could buy a piece of his artwork and hang it in my house today, I think I would have to go with the clockwork fish. The color palate would work well in our family room and I am rather taken to it.


Of course I don’t think that piece is actually for sale. Which is a pity.

However if I were decorating some room on a robot theme….for a child…like say a nursery… I would be tempted to try and acquire some uplifting piece of robot art. I think a robot/humming bird piece would work well.


If that were the case then I’d be in luck, because prints of that particular piece actually are for sell.

Where's the household FAQ?

Dawn and I were talking about how great it would be if life were more like a video game. Specifically we were talking about what it would be like if life presented you with achievements and unlockables as you went along. Naturally, life is like a RPG in the greater sense. If you put your time and effort into some goal you’ll eventually achieve it. But we weren’t talking big picture stuff though. We were talking about the obnoxious grind and reward system most video games have in place.

For example, imagine that common household tasks rewarded you akin to a video game. Take food preparation. Let’s say in the course of preparing dinners you’ve just cut your 100th onion, you just unlocked a new knife. Cool! The new knife has reassuring weight and balance and is obviously sharper than your old knife….man, cutting onions is going to be much easier now….which is good. Because you won’t unlock another new knife until you’ve mise en placed your 500th onion.

Heck, if the kitchen gave away cutlery like that there would be a pile of chopped onions in our sink. I would totally munchkin that up.

Or perhaps you would receive upgrades to your vacuum cleaner as you repeatedly vacuum your house. I dunno, new accessories or something. You’d probably have to check the household FAQ to figure out what you’d get. All I know is that I would rig it so the vacuum would run 24 hours a day until I got the ultimate vacuum unlock…..mega-suction capable of vacuuming up not just cat fur but actually the whole cat!

I guess what we were getting at is how much more enjoyable common household chores might be if there was always the possibility that this repetition might be some nice big round number of times this chore has been performed and you might be rewarded with a prize.

For the rest of the weekend Dawn kept rewarding me with items as I “unlocked” various achievements around the house. I completed the dishes and unlocked a cooking magazine that just-so-happened to be sitting on the counter by her. Most of the unlocks were a bit uninspiring, but there’s definitely some video precedence for that as well. However, I did noticed that she unlocked some "consuming a meal" achievement and was rewarded with a fudge-pop. I’m starting to wonder if the system is rigged.