It’s decrepit, time to move on.

Question: What needs a new roof, reinforced soffits around the bay window, and new columns?

If you guessed our house then you’d be right. Dawn and I have recently switched our focus from “home improvement” to “keep home from falling apart around us.” It’s a subtle shift in focus. I think the best way to know which variety you’re practicing is to finish a project. At the end of the project do you think to yourself “Ah…now that looks much better” or do you think to yourself “perhaps now the house won’t collapse and kill me.” The former is home improvement; the latter is what Dawn and I now think.

I’m starting to think that the people who built our house assumed that they would later be adding an exoskeleton to it. Why bother with all the cumbersome support on the inside when the exoskeleton will take of it? Seems reasonable enough, right? Two of our current project (reinforce soffits and new columns) are because there is no support built into them. The soffits were just stuck there without any support. They’re an open challenge to gravity to try and rip them from our house (gravity is starting to win).

I find the columns to be a bit more humorous. What’s the purpose of a column? You might think the singular reason to add a column to a house is to support something…but in our house’s case the purpose is to give the impression that something is being supported. The columns “supporting” the overhang over our front door are completely hollow. They are just a box of thin, non-treated, cheap wood that is rotting. Many of the people who have come to look at our house are surprised by this fact. They assume that the cheap wooden box is meant to conceal some supporting member like an iron rod or a 6”x6” wooden post. Why waste time and money with one of those when the exoskeleton we’re adding later will do all the heavy lifting?

Also we need a new roof. Hooray.

I’ve tried to be proactive in this matter but Dawn won’t let me. I live by a simple principle that can be applied when houses, marriages, children, or social situations start to become awkward or troublesome: abandon ship. Let’s just cut our losses and move on. In fact I’ve already found something better. I’ve found the opportunity to build the perfect house.

Prepare to have your mind expanded.

Imagine a small modern house built on the prairies of central Washington State. There are lots of angles and glass to showcase the expansive sky and open land. The floor plan is small but open. It’s a nice house, all the hardware is top grade, but the small size indicates that the owner is of modest means. Oh, did I mention the sprawling underground city? Mayhap this house is built on top of an old Titan missile base? It sure is. Who wouldn’t want to have their very own underground lair? I challenge you not to be enthralled by the prospect.

I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed thinking what I’d do with this property. There’s 45,000 square feet of usable space with high ceilings (20’, 40’, 155’ ceilings!!!!) I seriously want to race golf carts around my subterranean tunnel system. I’ll include a photo for those of you too lazy to click the link…but you’re missing out.

I think the fact that this property is for sale right when we hit a small bump with our house is kismet, but Dawn refuses to invest the several million dollars it will take to make my dream a reality.