Very Bad People

Let’s be honest, there is an infestation of babies and there’s nothing I can do about it. Now I could just sit here and shake my fist at the next generation…and I assure you that I plan to do at that. I’m looking forward to reaching the age when I can officially be classified as a curmudgeon. I’m going to make a fantastic curmudgeon, fist shaking and all. But fist shaking alone does not address the central question of how can I make this baby infestation work for me? Perhaps I can turn the situation for my own amusement? Dawn said long ago that even if I did want children she wouldn’t let me have them…something about a propensity for warping young minds… I think I have a notion of what she might have been going on about.

The time to act is now. If we want to be able to spin a credible story later that will cause your children to question their fundamental grasp of reality we need to start work right away. I think the important thing is to take photos, give gifts, and orchestrate situations that we can later point to as proof of our claims. Obviously the first task is constructing what elaborate lie we plan to feed to your children. So what would completely devastate a child? Claims of being adopted are traditional but ring hollow…if anyone’s had a good childhood why should they care if they’ve been adopted? If anything the implicit message in the scenario is your parents love you. Hardly the stuff of nightmares. Your parents abducted you? That’s a bit more interesting….perhaps your parents are the monsters you’ve always suspected when you’ve been forced to take that time-out in your room. Maybe things aren’t as they seem….and now the nice friends of the family, burdened by their conscious, have started providing you with hints of your true identity. Delectable.

Dawn suggested collecting baby photos and PhotoShopping them into earlier photos of the parents on vacation, thus creating evidence for the “you’re not their first child” story. Being that Dawn is an aficionado of sci-fi she opted for a very Venture Brothers, “you’re a clone” theme to the story. I like it. I’m not sure how to augment the photos with other types of proof though. Perhaps getting the children to acknowledge that they’re clumsy is all the extra evidence we’ll need.

That’s all I have for right now…it wasn’t that long of a car ride into work. Perhaps we can hash out other ways to force your children to question their origins over lunch.