She Dominant To Atkins

There’s an on going joke in our house about the Riblet Weight Loss Plan™. Apparently her motto is “Be dominate to your hunger.” This is not surprising being that Riblet has dominance issues. For a declawed cat missing a canine tooth she has a very high opinion of herself. We think she believes herself to be dominant to just about everything in the house with the exception of me (most of the time), Dawn (about 50% of the time) and Dyson (100% of the time). Dyson, our vacuum cleaner, holds a special place in the pantheon of Riblet’s fears.

The best part of the Riblet Weight Loss Plan is I’m able to accurately visualize what it would be like if her plan was a success; this is how I amuse myself in otherwise quiet moments. I imagine when you are first confronted with an item of food that you don’t want to eat you should show your dominance to it. The food does not control you, you control it. The best way to display your dominance is a low, but audible, growl. Continue growling for at least three or four minutes so everyone knows you’re serious. Imagine the scene in a nice restaurant, the dessert tray comes around, you hear a course of people offer up a firm but low growl. How awesome would that be?

Everyone knows that growling is a warning. The message is simply: I’m dominant, you better keep your distance. If the dessert tray does not heed the growls and continues to close on the patron following the Riblet Weight Loss Plan™ they are of course allowed to resort to violence. I imagine them just slapping the tray to the floor. Take that. If they exhibit true Riblet behavioral traits there might be a momentarily look of surprise that the foray into violence worked, quickly followed with a smug look of “I told you so.”

Perhaps I have a low opinion of weight loss books, but I’ve started to wonder if Riblet could sell her method. It seems like there might be a market. The basic message is self control via empowerment, which seems to be a pretty bankable message. It would be fun to follow the plan, you get to make strange noises and hit things. Her book would probably be full of LOLCAT images; people will buy books in the bargain sections for that reason alone.

It’s probably best that Riblet’s book does not get published though. I can’t imagine what Riblet would spend her royalties on. I don’t expect she give any to Dawn and I as rent. I expect she’d probably pay to have the carpets replaced by a couple of inches of memory foam, a room completely filled with stinky fish, and of course, a ninja assassinate Dyson.