Just as I suspected!

Turns out my suspicions that our neighborhood was being ruined by dogs and kids were not the inane ramblings of a delusional old curmudgeon after all. They were in fact the inane ramblings of a highly observant crusader for truth / curmudgeon. And I have the proof.

We got our neighborhood newsletter yesterday and what were two of the major concerns that our neighborhood has to face? DUN DUN DUN. Kids and dogs.

“It is anticipated that the annual homeowner’s dues will be increased this year due to increases in insurance costs, ground maintenance, and utilities. It has been reported that the creek and common area near the park is being “trashed” with litter and that holes are being dug. Hiring someone to clean up this litter is an unnecessary expense to the homeowners so we encourage you to talk to you children about the need to pick up after themselves. The holes will need to be filled so that they don’t
interfere with bush hogging…”

So it appears that the reckless destruction of our neighborhood’s common lands by our neighborhood’s unsupervised youths may in fact cost us money. Yippie. Dawn and I secretly hope the raise in fees is massive. We suspect that we can better shoulder the increase fees than many of our neighbors with kids. We are bad people.

I must confess that seeing this newsletter makes me feel a little bit vindicated. When I would tell people that kids are wreaking havoc on the field behind our house they would mostly nod and say something along the lines of: “Well it’s good that those kids are getting out of the house and playing outside. Today’s kids spend too much time in front of TV’s….” Well that’s bullcrap. First of all, massive doses of TV and video games never seemed to bother me as a kid (unless, of course, you count the fact that I’m a misanthropic curmudgeon). Secondly, at least if they are staying indoors the kids would be actively destroying their parents’ houses instead of common property. I don’t see how vandalism is a forgivable offense if it involves being outside.

The newsletter also has more than half a page dedicated to dogs. Mostly it involves all the places in the neighborhood that dogs are no longer allowed because owners can’t seem to be bothered to clean up after their little defecation factories. It actually has an underlined passage beseeching dog owners not to let their dogs “do their thing” in neighbor’s yards (no surprise there) or on the sidewalks (the sidewalks!!!) We have a bit of a problem with crap filled sidewalks (not to mention mailboxes).

To round the newsletter out they mentioned that there’s a big meeting where they’ll elect a new board of directors and consider new policies soon. Perhaps I should go. I could recommend a few ways to spend our new massively increased fees. We could buy shock collars to put on all the kids in the neighborhood and force all the dog owners to wear some sort of scarlet letters. Well to be fair only dog owners with a confirmed public canine defecation should have to wear letters. See, I’m a reasonable man.